The Indelible Sulk (part 1)


This is my attempt at writing a “thank you and get well soon” letter.

The Indelible Sulk—part 1

As of Monday, August 8, 2022 my psychiatrist took a medical leave. This means that I won’t be participating in therapy for the near future.

This sucks.

What’s the big deal? That’s part of what I want to answer with this series. I can’t cover everything in one post; I need at least—well, the number’s not important right now. Right now, I just know that I need more space than expected. However, I still need to provide some structure to move forward, so here are a few key points:

  1. Repaying the interest on my Moral Debt I owe her more than I can ever pay back; she (and therapy) matter a lot to me. Unfortunately, in my position I can’t do anything to improve the situation. That infuriates me.

NOTE: I say I owe her out my personal feeling of—not because I'm mandated or pressured to do anything of the sort.

  1. Destabilization & Fear of Abandonment Since I started therapy (late 2013), I’ve regularly engaged in the sessions, and worked hard on what we discussed during them. I learned something important each session—not just something, but something that significantly improves my quality of life. I’ve never found that sort of productive and fulfilling interaction—and I definitely haven’t formed a more stable, lasting relationship. This break in therapy destabilizes things once more; it also evokes one of my largest fears: abandonment…

NOTE: I'm not blaming anyone (least of all my doctor) for these developments. I'm just monologizing and trying to sort out my thoughts and feelings. I'm still optimistic, albeit scared.

  1. Validating people’s efforts and actions I focus on self-improvement. Self-improvement is something I can (largely) control. It’s the most productive way to effect change. Compensating for and fixing my shortcomings plays a sizeable role in self-improvemnt. I want to use this opportunity to address one of my more challenging, yet solvable, social shortcomings: my ostensible lack of gratitude. It’s not that I’m ungrateful or unappreciative; I recognize it, remember it, and focus on the next problem—but I fail to clearly communicate it to those relevant… I want to fix that. I want to better (and more frequently) express appreciation for people I care about, their efforts and actions.

When I heard the bad news, I saw the opportunity to tackle these problems through my writing, so I started writing a letter. A few sentences in, I lost my train of thought and move onto a different subtopic. Then I returned to the initial subtopic, but then I lost my train of thought once again. Before I knew it, the letter had escalated into a bunch of partially-written, disorganized essay fragments… That inspired this series.

Thank you for your time,
Roybert S. Henanigans

P.S. 96: I’ve updated my Contact Me page explaining how you can help me if you choose to. This includes a messaging form, my gmail address, my Twitter account, and a donation button to my Ko-Fi page. I’ll update specifics gradually. If there’s one thing I could ask for above all else, I’d ask for two—then I’d use one of those two to say that the best way to help is to share my work with someone.

On a serious note, thank you so much for reading—it truly means the world to me!


Published by justcallmeroybert

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